Pain

As he lowered his head in gut wrenching pain, the tears began to fall upon the dry grass. They were like splashes of life on the sun-baked ground but they fell because a life had been taken. In front of him was the freshly covered grave of his father. His mind was wandering now, the barbed claws of sorrow had ripped open a chest of memories and a tidal wave of emotion engulfed him. He could see it all so clearly: how he had held his hand as they walked to school for the first time; the new football he had been given for his eighth birthday that he could still smell the scent of; the moment his dad had confronted the bully plaguing his life at school; the day he had beamed in delight as he graduated; the smell of his favourite jacket as he hugged him on his wedding day; it was all imprinted on his mind forever. His heart felt like it was being squeezed out of his chest with every breath he took and he closed his eyes to steady himself, attempting to block out the pain but it was of no use. The voices were in his head, the roaring, gushing, overwhelming sense of despair pushed him to his knees and he sat there, unaware of everything around him. Unaware of the now ripped Hugo Boss suit trousers which he had taken great pride in as he slipped them on before the funeral. Unaware of the life he had given to the seeds beneath his feet with his tears of anguish. Unaware that there was still a way out of this darkness.

 

His mind was still in the past. Oh how he had loved him. The smile and laughter that he would bring in to every room, the hope and happiness that radiated from him and the love and kindness that he had found himself privileged to experience. It was all in his mind, swirling around in a frenzy like a violent tornado. He found himself struggling to hold on, he was afraid of being whipped away by the sensations that swept over him. Slowly, he got up and the ground suddenly seemed so far away. He wanted to touch it, to stroke his fingers through the grass like he had done as a child. He wanted to smile at the ants that crawled on their way but his mouth was a compressed thin line and he felt like he would never smile after this day. His father had been taken away from him and he could do nothing to get him back. Someone began to sob softly behind him and he turned to face his mother, his heart crunching into itself as he reached out to place a hand on her shoulder but he could not hug her. He was filled with a sudden rage and his eyes burned with anger. The person who had killed his father had to pay. There was no question about it and he knew exactly what he had to do. His nails dug into the palms of his hands as he clenched his fists, the memories of his childhood came flooding back and thoughts of his past filled his head.

 

They were the same thoughts that had filled his mind when he had pulled the trigger.