Why You Really Should NOT KIDNAP Me

I have no idea why this topic came into my head but I thought it would make a funny post. Perhaps it has something to do with binge watching the TV show Elementary. It is the American take on a modern day Sherlock Holmes for those of you don’t know. I have of course already watched the British version Sherlock so when my uncle introduced me to Elementary, I was a bit sceptical. So far, it has proven to be quite interesting so it has held my attention, as well as the fact the British version takes over a year to release a new series so there isn’t a Sherlock alternative.

Anyway, back to why it would be a bad idea to kidnap me.

First of all, any ransom demanded for me would simply not be paid. I mean, do you actually think my dad who is a bigger scrounger than old Del Boy himself would let go of a hundred thousand pounds to secure my safe return? (Of course, as I am a high value person, my ransom would be that high right?) Forget about not paying it, he wouldn’t be able to afford such a high sum. What would a feasible ransom be then? Ha, well mate if I was to tell you, you would realise there is no point in kidnapping me as the money would not be worth all the trouble.

Secondly, if you were to kidnap me, then prepare yourself for a very annoying time. I don’t talk much but when I do, the topics I discuss would drive you crazy. I mean, I am an English student after all so prepare yourself for debates on Is the Author Important or The beginning of language or Signs and Concepts. You would be saved from medieval literature though since even I can’t be bothered with that.

Thirdly, I don’t eat breakfast so starving me of food in order to weaken me will not work. You would probably have to go to the shops to restock your own supplies before I start feeling hungry and in that time, I would escape!

Fourthly, people who read books have an active imagination and people who read alot of crime books have an even more active imagination. This means I would be looking for any opportunity to escape your evil clutches and so you would become exhausted from keeping watch. I mean come on, I didn’t read Famous Five or Alex Rider as a kid for nothing you know.

Another thing is you definitely would not be able to torture me by threatening to keep me away from the sales. I would actually welcome the chance and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to save some money. You would become a financial guardian angel basically.

This would mean that when you do get caught, I would continuously visit you in prison and behave in such a manner that would simply infuriate you. Every week you would see my chirpy face telling you what I ended up buying in the sale as you languish in your cell with a rather large mate who is constantly thinking of ‘interesting’ ways to entertain you.

So yes, simply not worth it you see. Please don’t kidnap me. 

A Worried Student