Why You Really Should NOT KIDNAP Me

I have no idea why this topic came into my head but I thought it would make a funny post. Perhaps it has something to do with binge watching the TV show Elementary. It is the American take on a modern day Sherlock Holmes for those of you don’t know. I have of course already watched the British version Sherlock so when my uncle introduced me to Elementary, I was a bit sceptical. So far, it has proven to be quite interesting so it has held my attention, as well as the fact the British version takes over a year to release a new series so there isn’t a Sherlock alternative.

Anyway, back to why it would be a bad idea to kidnap me.

First of all, any ransom demanded for me would simply not be paid. I mean, do you actually think my dad who is a bigger scrounger than old Del Boy himself would let go of a hundred thousand pounds to secure my safe return? (Of course, as I am a high value person, my ransom would be that high right?) Forget about not paying it, he wouldn’t be able to afford such a high sum. What would a feasible ransom be then? Ha, well mate if I was to tell you, you would realise there is no point in kidnapping me as the money would not be worth all the trouble.

Secondly, if you were to kidnap me, then prepare yourself for a very annoying time. I don’t talk much but when I do, the topics I discuss would drive you crazy. I mean, I am an English student after all so prepare yourself for debates on Is the Author Important or The beginning of language or Signs and Concepts. You would be saved from medieval literature though since even I can’t be bothered with that.

Thirdly, I don’t eat breakfast so starving me of food in order to weaken me will not work. You would probably have to go to the shops to restock your own supplies before I start feeling hungry and in that time, I would escape!

Fourthly, people who read books have an active imagination and people who read alot of crime books have an even more active imagination. This means I would be looking for any opportunity to escape your evil clutches and so you would become exhausted from keeping watch. I mean come on, I didn’t read Famous Five or Alex Rider as a kid for nothing you know.

Another thing is you definitely would not be able to torture me by threatening to keep me away from the sales. I would actually welcome the chance and thank you for allowing me the opportunity to save some money. You would become a financial guardian angel basically.

This would mean that when you do get caught, I would continuously visit you in prison and behave in such a manner that would simply infuriate you. Every week you would see my chirpy face telling you what I ended up buying in the sale as you languish in your cell with a rather large mate who is constantly thinking of ‘interesting’ ways to entertain you.

So yes, simply not worth it you see. Please don’t kidnap me. 

A Worried Student

38 thoughts on “Why You Really Should NOT KIDNAP Me

  1. I was not thinking of kidnapping you and sealing you in someone’s basement AND torturing you to death… but after reading this post, I just got to know that The origin of language is exactly what I want to talk to someone about.

    I might try my luck now. 😀

    P.S: I do have a special bomb in my closet manufactured especially for serial window closers, so don’t even think about it! 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha then err they must be a very nice person who would simply never kidnap me..i think…i hope :O

      It makes me think of a Hardy Boys fanfiction story I read many years ago where Joe is kidnapped by people who turn out to be people his dad helped and who simply want to treat him. He spends the day playing games and enjoying himself and at the end of it receives a Ferrari!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. XD This cracked me up. Definitely one of my favourite posts of yours.
    If you’d like to know, things which were particularly amusing were the phrases: “financial guardian angel” and “my chirpy face” <- that killed me. Never expected to see that adjective before a human feature. Brilliant.
    Technically if I (or anyone else really) were to kidnap you, your English-y powers could be used to magically transform anything into something cool. BWAHAHA! I have a load of cake ingredients. You could turn the method into something fantastic and the ingredients will feel like they have to make themselves into a cake. Simple.
    And debates? Well I know that I'd whip out the old maths card and then hehee I win. But if you do..then *cough cough fine. Release* Plus, you might not be able to escape if we keep you within a strict fifteen metre radius, and yes, a circle of novels (see, at least I'm reasonable) can be arranged in a circle around you. Piled up, too. Double BWAHAHA!
    Okay I'm done.
    God. I'm sorry. I swear I'm not this evil in real life.


    • Woohoo 😀
      Aah didn’t you know? I am actually a chirpy golden eagle.
      Wait, you will kidnap me so that I can help you make a better cake?! What about Jamie Oliver! 😛
      Oh now that would mean I would not even be tempted to escape as I’d be able to catch up on all my reading!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Chirpy…GOLDEN EAGLE? Is this a new Worried Student alter ego?
        I’ll take you both! Bwahaahha – cake for me, cake for me! Hazaar, I say. And hmm, I shall replace those books with maths ones if the cakes aren’t up to scratch!

        I just really, really have a craving for cake right now XD


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